illustration by robert ullman

Savage Love

by Dan Savage

Jeff Gradney, a TV news reporter in Las Vegas, lost his job after some anonymous douchebag alerted the management at KTNV-TV Channel 13 Action News to the fact that Gradney and his girlfriend placed an ad on Craigslist seeking a third. Sexphobia? Definitely. Homophobia? Perhaps: Gradney and his girlfriend were looking for another dude. And for this infraction—which had nothing to do with his job performance—Gradney was fired. So much for “Action News,” huh? (People who’ve had three-ways—or not—are invited to come to Gradney’s defense. Send an outraged email to KTNV-TV’s vice president and general manager Jim Prather at jprather@ktnv.com.)

Gradney’s dismissal came a week after a pair of nationally ranked college wrestlers—including a 2007 national champion—were booted from the University of Nebraska wrestling team after it emerged that both had jerked off for an Internet porn site. (Solo jerk-off scenes, nothing gay about ’em, although the website is aimed at gay men.)

Sexphobes will say that Gradney and those college wrestlers got what was coming to ’em. People shouldn’t let it all hang out on the interwebs—or spurt out, in the case of the wrestlers—unless they’re prepared to lose their jobs, their spots on the team, their shot at being an American Idol, etc.

But with so many people documenting their lives online, and with so many people using the Internet as a tool to seek sexual fulfillment, and in our thoroughly exhibitionist culture, one might think people could picture themselves in Gradney’s shoes, or those wrestlers’ singlets, and cut ’em a little fucking slack.

If I may tweak a phrase: What happens online really ought to stay online. Your Internet personals shouldn’t be something that can be used against you by bluenoses at work; if you like to show off and you want to wank for the web, that shouldn’t matter to the douchebags who run the NCAA. (Hello, NCAA? Want to generate interest in the sport? Encourage more college wrestlers to make JO videos.)

Here’s hoping that we soon reach a web-exposure tipping point, a time when everyone has something out there online that’s sexually explicit or deeply embarrassing or both. When that blessed day arrives, we’ll think twice about firing someone or cutting someone from the team for the crime of letting it all hang out online because, hey, we’ve got it all hanging out online too.

As for how to find a third, WTGA: Most people looking for thirds want someone who’s totally trustworthy and honest, someone who comes guaranteed to be disease-free, but they also want that someone to be a complete stranger whom they’ll never see again after the three-way is over.

Those someones don’t exist, WTGA. If you really want to have a three-way, you either go with the likely-to-be-skeezy stranger you met online and risk dismemberment, or you approach a trusted, attractive friend and risk rejection.

First off, WDIHTDC, no one has to dig chicks. It’s an elective, not a course requirement. (Except at Brown, of course.)

Now, seeing as you and your boyfriend are young enough to get out there and find new partners relatively easily, and seeing as this man who you profess to love has a right 1) not to be lied to for the rest of his life and 2) not to be cheated on for the rest of his life and 3) to be with a woman who actually wants to have sex with him, there’s only one possible course of action here. Thank your boyfriend for his years of faithful service—honor his service—and then cut his ass loose.

If you play your cards right, WDIHTDC, you may be able to keep your ex, his family and your mutual friends in your life. But if you continue to lie and cheat and munch carpet on the down-low, and you get caught and outed, it’s unlikely that your ex, his family and your mutual friends will want to see your lying, cheating, carpet-munchin’ face ever again.

Did I say that U-Pitt shows Bend Over Boyfriend as a part of freshman orientation? I may have misspoken. Or mistypen. It’s just that I recently gave a speech at U-Pitt, and the students there asked so many questions about pegging during the Q&A that I just assumed that Bend Over Boyfriend is shown to incoming classes at that fine institution of higher learning. (And I’m not saying that it shouldn’t be shown, only that it isn’t. It most definitely should. Indeed, Bend Over Boyfriend should be shown continuously in every frat house in North America from late August through early June.)

But I would beg you, SUP, not to stalk U-Pitt’s campus in search of a dominant pegger. If you’re having trouble finding a pegger through normal channels (surfing the web, asking women you’re dating, hanging out at Wendy’s), SUP, then you’ll just have to rent one.

Oh, and speaking of speaking at colleges: If you want me to come to your campus and give a talk—we call it “Savage Love Live”—email the folks who handle my speaking gigs at savagelove@kepplerspeakers.com.